Digital Kids Come In All Shapes And Sizes

Published: May 31, 2005

Kids are not one size fits all. They differ in their maturity and personality. The descriptions of the age groups that follow are designed to provide a framework for the issues and behaviors you can expect as kids explore the digital world.

Preschoolers: 3-5

Having mastered the basics of talking, walking, and hopefully toilet training, kids at this age are excited about figuring out how the world works. What they do may look like “play” to grownups, but it’s a serious effort to understand and mimic the world around them.

One of the many ways they learn is through imitation, and that includes imitating older siblings and parents as they work on the ‘puter. At first young children are random in how they press buttons and click around the screen. Overtime, they begin to associate these random clicks with specific reactions from the computer. Ultimately they make the connection that different clicks initiate specific actions. Simple mouse clicking and keyboard pressing lays the groundwork for cause and effect, and trial and error learning, which ultimately becomes the key to much of their success in exploring the world.

Kids at this age are mastering skills they’ll build upon for the rest of their lives. In many respects, the computer makes a fabulous tutor. Computers don’t mind repetition the way that parents sometimes do, and they can be considerably more patient and logical.

The concepts that are mission critical for kids this age to master are concrete — the very sort of concepts the computer is good at: vocabulary words, colors and shapes, opposite and same words, counting, naming, sorting and classifying. These concepts are the standard components of most of the interactive children’s software for this age group.

That said, parents need to be hyperaware and make sure they give their children a varied diet of activities at this age. The computer addresses only a small part of the variety of skills kids this age need to master. Moving a mouse and clicking a keyboard involve using small motor skills. This is the age where it’s critical for children to spend time developing their large motor skills. Catching balls, running, climbing, and painting large areas with a big fat paintbrush are incredibly important work at this age.

Also, moving the mouse and observing the effect on the screen is at a level of abstraction that is one removed from direct manipulation of objects. As a matter of fact sometimes young children will try to hold the mouse up against the computer monitor or point the mouse at the monitor to try to make objects move more directly. At this age many have a hard time understanding the notion that they are controlling objects on the screen by moving a mouse that’s sitting alongside the computer. You need to make sure that they are exposed to direct manipulation — stacking blocks, banging on pots and pans, gluing, cutting and pasting as well as the computer’s more abstract manipulations.

The operative word at this stage of the child’s development is exploration. Active exploration helps them assimilate the world they see. Young children often enjoy exploring better when Mom or Dad is around to act as a safety net. (You’ve seen young children peering at the world from behind mom or dad’s pants’ legs, haven’t you?)

Hence the notion of what some call “lapware” — you and your child sitting together at the PC and exploring the world together is a good paradigm. Using the computer with your child means you are there to explain and reinforce the things they are seeing on screen. Logistically, lapware also helps you make sure your kids are safely sitting at the computer since most computer setups in the home are not designed to be ergonomic for young computer kids.

You’ll find that most web sites for kids this age include lots of advice for their parents, too. Typically they’ll have activities like electronic books that combine multimedia stories and clickable areas. They’ll have printable projects, cooking and coloring activities, and simple science experiments. They’ll offer early learning games that teach counting, pattern matching and other skills in fun ways. Many of the web sites introduce simple communication projects like sending a greeting card. Some have digital photography projects where parents and kids can print and create scrapbooks and greeting cards. Because many of the more robust children’s websites rely on animations and audio to create a rich experience you may need to download some sort of plug-in to make things work properly. The sites typically guide you through the process. At this age computer time should be limited to 30 minutes sessions at the maximum. There is no reason to give children access to chat rooms, bulletin boards or buddy lists.

While the jury is still out on how beneficial computing is for young digital kids we know that they enjoy it. We also know that Moms and Dads with kids this age find the Internet a true lifeline. The toddler and preschool years are filled with unknowns and challenges for parents. And parents of young children often find it hard to get out and interact with other parents. Whether you’re researching information about a pediatric illness, discussing strategies for controlling tantrums in an online chat, or sharing photos with the family and friends, there are a number of excellent websites for parenting including Familyfun.com, familyeducationnetwork.com and parentsoup.com.

School-Age Kids: 6-9

At this age children begin to leave the safety of their own homes to explore a larger world; peers and other adults begin to exert their influence. Kids start to take on responsibilities like doing homework and getting themselves dressed. They take pleasure in these “I did it myself” accomplishments.

At this age the computer can be a solid compatriot for schoolwork, helping them reinforce and enrich the skills they’ve learned in the classroom as well as acting as a reference tool and creative center for school projects. Many classrooms use computers as an integrated part of the curriculum so kids in grades K — 3 might be creating a multimedia presentation of their neighborhood or monitoring a local lake for wildlife. Parents often say that their kids are doing the kinds of research work they did in much later years because the computer is there to help.

At the same time the computer becomes more central to learning, it’s also becoming an important provider of entertainment. Kids at this age enjoy playing videogames and they flock to websites that feed into the fad of the moment, whether that’s Pokemon, Yu-gi-oh or some other.

Kids in this age group typically don’t go looking for trouble on the web, but the trouble can certainly find them. It’s fairly common for these kids to accidentally find themselves viewing age-inappropriate web sites. These sites may contain pornographic images or extremely violent images.

There are a number of ways to stumble on inappropriate information. Sometimes, a simple web search on what you think is an innocuous topic, like TOYS or DOLLS, will find you landing on a web page that’s meant for adults only. Some adult web site owners deliberately use misspellings of common names like Nickelodeon or Disney so that kids inadvertently end up on their website. Since the web is made of links and connections, it’s pretty easy to find yourself headed down the wrong path. In the last few years, things have improved as search engine technology gets better and as organizations like the FTC take a more active role in prosecuting irresponsible web site owners.

Most of the issues that face this age group stem from viewing inappropriate materials rather than actively engaging in things like online chats. But, research tells us that viewing pornography or violence at this age is often more disturbing than if viewed by an older child. Emotionally, these kids are not ready for these experiences and don’t understand what they’ve seen. They can be traumatized or deeply disturbed by inappropriate web encounters. And remember that for this age group even seeing artwork like Michelangelo’s David can be upsetting.

Some of the things you can do to protect kids at this age include using a kid friendly search engine like Yahooligans.com or Ajkids.com (Ask Jeeves for Kids). These kid safe areas only search a kid-friendly subset of the Internet. At this age, using parental control software is also highly recommended. This software is a part of many Internet service providers offerings, and you can also buy it retail or download it online.

Good parental control software will ask you about the types and degree of controls you want and then filters out access to inappropriate content. The software is constantly updating itself as the web changes and new sites are added. In addition to blocking access, the software controls other aspects of your child’s Internet life, like how much time they spend on the computer, whether or not they can chat, instant message or participate in e-commerce, and even what words they can use in their messages.

Think of parental control software as the Internet with training wheels. Training wheels will keep your kids safe as they learn to navigate. Little by little you’ll ease up on the training wheels until they show the judgment and maturity to strike out without them.

Kids at this age need firm unambiguous rules and limits. It’s good to keep the computer in a public area like your living room or kitchen and monitor what the kids do online often and always. Limit the amount of time they can spend online. Emailing should be kept to a minimum — a few close friends and relatives at best. Some of the more precocious kids will want to experiment with chat or instant messaging. Try to avoid it until they are at least 10 years old.

You’ll need to drum it into their heads, without scaring them, that the Internet has its dangers. They should follow the cardinal rules of not sharing any personal information such name and address with anyone on the web. They should not sign up for contests or special offers no matter how good those offers sound.

As the parent you should be the one in charge of the Internet account — handing out accounts to the children and monitoring the various permissions of each. Teach them (and yourself) about choosing good passwords and not posting personal profile information in their sign up areas. The tone and habits you set up for this age group will follow through, instilling good habits, and the notion that the Internet is a privilege that must be used responsibly.

The Middle Years: 10-13

Preteens depend on external forces — the media, their friends, and other adults— to shape many of their attitudes and ideas. Translated into parent speak this means that you’ll have less influence than you did before. It also means that you’re going to have to hone your radar. You’ll want to be forgiving about this age group’s little annoyances or silliness, but be able to immediately tune in when you suspect danger or risky behavior involved.

At this age the computer plays an important part increasingly important part in every aspect of the child’s life. Schoolwork, entertainment and communications become intertwined as the use the machine to do everything from homework, to tracking their favorite sport, to chatting with friends.

In many ways, preteens are the most fragile and vulnerable of the Internet kids. They are exposed to violence and sex in the media and on the web well before they should be. At school they begin to seek peer acceptance. And, in varying degrees, they are also risk takers, since they don’t yet have the maturity to understand the consequences of their actions.

It’s the combination of these things that make them good targets for predators on the web. In contrast, older teens have “been around the block” and seen a bit more. The typical pattern is that children with poor self esteem and a lack of confidence are the ones likely to be lured in by the chance to have a new friend and a nice conversation online. But, there have certainly been instances where a preteen who seemed to “have it together” was lured to a physical meeting with an internet stranger.

The most important thing you can do for children this age is to empower them to “say no” to peer pressure, to tempting offers from online advertisers, to sexual solicitations and other lures and baits. They need to be developing their own set of antennae to detect potential trouble situations. They need to understand that because the Internet is so big, and anonymity is so easy to achieve, that a particularly unsavory element of people and businesses may appear.

Gender differences begin to manifest themselves at this age. Boys may want to play violent video games. Girls will want to spend more time in online communities. The Sims.com and Neopets.com are two good examples of communities where girls love to visit.

Along with gender differences is a natural curiosity about sex and body image. Some of the more precocious may seek out pornographic information. Parents should invite questions and answers about sex and their changing bodies. If the information they get comes from pornographic websites sites, movies or misinformed friends they’re likely to have some rather skewed notions.

Many kids find the perceived anonymity of the web coupled with the fact they don’t need to say things face to face a good excuse for being cruel and hurtful to others. Online bullying is a serious problem in many communities. You need to make it clear that things said in an email, a chat room or in an instant message are not private. They get passed around, misinterpreted and can even have legal ramifications. “Think before you type” is a message that should be repeating often at this age.

This is when children will most likely ask to be allowed to use instant messaging or to visit chat rooms. If you allow chat rooms you need to make sure they are kid friendly — meaning they’ll have adult monitors and not tolerate cruel or lewd remarks. If they want to send IMs you’ll want to see the list of buddies they talk to and tell them to ask you each time they want a new buddy. (Some of the software available automates this permission process.) They should learn how to block an unwanted instant message user from talking to them.

It’s likely that this group will join websites that require some personal information upon signup. Often this enriches the online experience. For example, there are sites that post kid’s writings or art and ask for name and age and hometown. Some sites let you upload pictures of yourself, some conduct surveys and polls, or list a high scorer on a game. Teach kids how to read and understand the privacy information on these sites. (Know that it is illegal for children’s websites to ask personal information from kids younger than 13 without obtaining their parents’ permission.)

A certain amount of junk mail and spam is expected, but if your kids start to receive spam, attachments, or solicitations from a particular source that you find threatening or disturbing you can report it to your service provider and even to the FTC. Be sure to save a copy of the offending messages. Teach kids not to answer messages that make them feel uncomfortable, or that are indecent or threatening. Teach them to ask you before downloading anything from anywhere since most viruses enter your computer via downloads.

Finally they must learn to respect copyright and not to make illegal copies of materials that belong to other people. This means not downloading music from peer to peer websites, or cutting and pasting information into their school paper with proper attribution. They may ask to shop online, but at this age, a good transitional step is to allow them to browse, but not buy without your approval.

Parental control software is still useful at this age, though you may find yourself loosening the reins a bit. For example they might need to research topics like gun control or sex education,sites that might otherwise be blocked. Creating acceptable use policies that spell out your rules about Internet behavior is also a good tactic.

Teens Years: 13 +

The teens years bring a continuation of many of the issues faced by tweeners, but with a heightened intensity. By now these children are rather independent; they have rich private lives and may spend most of their waking hours outside of the home. Parents must walk the tightrope between letting go, hoping that the values they’ve instilled will help their children make the right decisions, and keeping close enough to know when their child is in trouble. Teens are in the middle of the long transition to adulthood and may act it, one minute showing how adult they are and the next minute acting in juvenile, irresponsible ways.

They are incredibly adept at the computer. Many have never known life without the computer. They turn to it reflexively for socializing, entertainment and academics. Because computers are so integrally tied to their schoolwork, many teenagers have their own computer in their room. Parents will comment that their children know more about the Internet at this age then they do; they’ll say that the children can get around the protections and controls if they want to. While teens may know more about computers, parents know more about the realities of inappropriate usage. Don’t use the “they know more” excuse to avoid learning about the online world.

Like their computers, this group has grown up multitasking—being able to do many things at once. Teens are known to be researching a paper online while they’re instant messaging with 5 or 6 friends and downloading a game, and listening to streaming radio — all at the same time. Parents need to make sure that homework time is quality time. Some parents will keep the Internet connection in the homework room turned off during homework hours; others use laptops and ask the kid to work in the kitchen under supervision. Others poke their heads in the room often.

At this age their bodies are maturing, and hormones are raging. When you couple the fluctuations of teenage hormones with the immediate communications that’s possible on the internet you’ve got a recipe for trouble. Teens can blurt out a sentence in an email that gets them in trouble. They can post a blog or diary online that reveals way too much about their personal lives. They can enter into a relationship online that’s dangerous, inadvertently infect your computer with viruses, rack up an exorbitant online bill, or subject you to identity theft, because they didn’t think through the legitimacy of the places they were surfing.

The statistics are sobering. 75% of teens share personal information willingly over the web. Only 25% ever tell their parents about an encounter with a unsavory character online. By the time they are 14 years old, 77% of kids will be contacted by an online predator. And, it’s common for one quarter of the emails kids receive to be spam mail, carrying all kinds of inappropriate offers, attachments and photographs.

Teens need to learn to back away from uncomfortable solicitations and not download anything from people they don’t know. They should delete unsolicited messages immediately and never reply to spam mail. Spam filters, pop up ad blockers, personal firewalls and parental controls will eliminate many of these issues and using them should be standard by now.

Teens are notoriously bad about understanding privacy issues on the web. Trading personal information for a chance to win a prize seems natural. They may not be thinking about how many other websites their information may be linked to. They’ve been known to shout out their Internet password to a friend across the school halls, and not think twice about entering credit card information into an unencrypted email message. Teaching kids to read privacy notices, spend time on sites they know they can trust, and recognize secure sites is imperative.

The biggest threat these kids face is when the agree to meet someone they’ve met online in person. Most teenagers realize the risks involved in this behavior, but in keeping with their risk taking personalities may use bad judgment and do it anyhow. (Older teenagers will probably do this at some point but should, at minimum, ask their parents permission, meet in public places and bring a chaperone along.)

There’s is a natural interest in sex at this age and they may use the Internet as a place to answer their questions. Some websites like www.goaskalice.columbia.edu or www.itsyoursexlife.com are written by professionals to help teens by providing accurate clear information.

Keep the lines of communications open and invite them to tell you about their surfing exploits. They often will. If you suspect something’s wrong, you can check the history files on their browsers for inappropriate emails and their hard drives for downloads. Going one step further you can install monitoring software to record their computer keystrokes. If you decide to take these steps it’s good to let them know what you’ll be doing and why. That way you are showing concern, but not spying or being sneaky.

If your kids frequent chatrooms it’s a good idea for them to use nicknames, not their real names. If they strike up a conversation with someone who probes for too much information, like where they go to school or what team they’re on, they should immediately have their guard up.

Just like in real life, there are often telltale signs that your teenager might be engaged in dangerous Internet activities. Look for changes in behavior. Perhaps they suddenly work behind closed doors or spend much more time online. They may switch what’s on their computer screen quickly upon your entry into the room or be non communicative about what they’ve been doing online.

Though I wish we could say teenager outgrow online bullying, in fact, they can be exceedingly cruel, not just to their classmates, but to their teachers and other adults. It’s not uncommon for teens to spread false rumors online, even damaging reputations. Downloading illegal materials can also be a growing problem. In addition to music and other copyrighted materials, web sites like cheathouse.com, that make it unbelievably easy to download a plagiarized term paper are a great temptation for teens.

While it gets harder to limit their computer activities as they get older you can cultivate good high tech family relations. Use the computer to surf for college information; plan your family vacations, or create family newsletters and web page. The more the Internet is built into the healthy things a family does together the less likely it is your kids will be led astray.